Recently, a popular national publication became interested in the international media superstar known as Anonymous J. Pseudonym. This publication contacted Anonymous with the offer of an interview. Anonymous, being the walking media extravaganza that he is, accepted immediately. The interview was conducted, of course, in the nude, while both parties were under the influence of several illegal psychedelic drugs. The interviewing publication, upon reading the content of the interview, and actually looking at AHEMM.org, decided to rescind the offer of publishing the interview, and threatened to sue AHEMM in the event that their name was used in conjunction with AHEMM.
Anonymous was very sad to hear of this, and decided to publish the interview on his own. Following is the interview in its entirety:
Anonymous: Fuck you.
Interviewer: (laughing) Iíd heard you were somewhat abrasive, and now I see that that is quite true.
Anonymous: No, really, I want to fuck you. What are you doing after this interview?
Interviewer: (not laughing anymore, covering genital area with clipboard) Well, um, how would you describe the publicís reaction to your website, AHEMM.org?
Anonymous: Those simpering idiots donít understand anything on the site. Their average intelligence is far too low to even begin to comprehend the genius present in the writings and the artistic expression I have embedded in my works. May the public contract syphilis and rot in hell.
Interviewer: Isnít that a bit harsh, considering that it is the public that has given you the success that allows you to live your lavish lifestyle?
Anonymous: Shut up.
Interviewer: Okay. Could you describe for me your rise to your current status of worldwide celebrity and celebrated genius?
Anonymous: Well, it all started when I strangled my parents. You see, the police blamed it on my neighbor, who was of course completely innocent. The next step was my discovery of cocaine. This was followed by a string of murders involving the consumption of the brains of my victims. The brain you see, is sort of like scrambled eggs, except without the gas. After eating all of those brains, I was of course extremely intelligent. I used this intelligence to create a form of mind control that I could use on the masses. I implemented this mind control method through a website. It works through very low frequency pulses in the black background you see on my website, and causes people to masturbate profusely, and send me large quantities of money. Also, lots of fried soups.
Interviewer: Now I see what people mean about your sense of humor.
Anonymous: What is it they say?
Interviewer: That youíre somewhat morbid.
Anonymous: I wasnít joking just then. I was answering your fucking question.
Interviewer: Er, should you really be admitting to capital crimes in an interview thatís going to get national attention?
Anonymous: You canít tell anybody if youíre dead, can you?
Interviewer: Well, um, no. Why donít we just erase that part of the interview?
Anonymous: You canít erase anything if youíre dead, can you?
Interviewer: Moving onÖHow do you react to public criticism aimed at your sometimes controversial viewpoints and expression?
Anonymous: If youíd kindly supply me with the addresses of the individuals who are doing the criticizing, I will happily take care of that problem.
Interviewer: Do you have a girlfriend or significant other?
Anonymous: I enjoy inserting my penis into various vaginas and mouths. In addition, I often engage in intercourse with small animals and inanimate objects such as rubber chickens and meat grinders.
Interviewer: What is the goal of all of your work?
Anonymous: This is one of my meat grinders. Itís my favorite one. It grinds meat.
Interviewer: And about your work?
Anonymous: One time I fed a small child into this meat grinder. That makes it more fun to fuck.
Interviewer: You are quite a strange individual.
Anonymous: Do you know how to do the happy dance?
Interviewer: Yes, actually, I do.
Anonymous: Thatís really quite sad. A grown person knowing how to do a faggoty dance like that. You queer.
Interviewer: Well, I see. Well, Iím pretty much out of questions, and I think this interview is pretty much over.
Anonymous: Do you realize that you just said 'well' twice?
Interviewer: No, I didn't realize that.
Anonymous: Did you know that a person dies every second on this planet? It makes you wonder, what happens to their souls? I spend a lot of my time contemplating what happens upon the death of an individual. I wonder what itís like, and I wonder if there is anything I could do to make it a little easier on those who are going through that. I hope to someday find a way to help people who are grieving the loss of others to realize that their loved ones are going to a better place.
Interviewer: Thatís deep. What better place do you think it is that the dead go to?
Anonymous: Euro Disney
Interviewer: Euro Disney?
Anonymous: I just shat myself.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Anonymous: Get out.