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    I hate hippies. I saw them on the news the other day. They look different than they used to. They have shorter hair, and a lot of it is gray, and the flowers and bandanas and VW Buses are gone. But they are still the same damn hippies. They were protesting the war in Iraq. I wish I could have been there. I would have walked around slapping each one in the face and bestowing each of them with a boot to the ass. I would have proceeded to the podium of Protest Central, and said to them “You fucking idiots, what war? There is no war! Wait till they start killing people to protest!”

                        Following this, if I were not immediately brought down by throngs of Birkenstock-wearing, hairy-arm pitted, unshowered, peace loving asshole corporate executives with so much free time that they can waste it yelling and chanting on the mall in DC instead of maybe, I don’t know, actually doing something to solve the problem, or any problem for that matter, I would remind them all that the man that they are rallying their considerable collective body odor to protect is a mass murderer who has killed millions of people in his own country who have never been able to wear Birkenstocks because they were killed with lovely mustard-scented air freshener while they were still two months old.

                        Now, according to these weirdo hippie types, the Iraqi people should be allowed to choose their leader and not be subjected to the tyranny of a US selected leader. There was a woman who was shown on CNN saying that they elected Saddam Hussein, and that the Iraqi’s should be allowed to elect their own leaders. Let’s think about this. In the last election in Iraq, the honorable Mr. Hussein got 100% of the vote. 100%! This is fantastic! The guy must be great! I bet he walks around all day every day kissing babies and giving people new microwave ovens and television sets and reading the Koran (which Microsoft Word assures me is spelled correctly despite my misgivings and faint recollections of a ‘q’ somewhere in there) and being an all-around okay guy. But wait, wasn’t this the dude who just a few years ago was, like, invading the countries next to him? Oh yeah…that was him. Let this be a lesson to Jorge W. Bushnandez,  that Spanish-speaking denizen of the White House and all points South. To get 100% of the vote, invade Canada or Mexico and slaughter Americans with flesh melting gasses. Getting back to the hippies, if they actually believe that Monsieur Hussein was elected, they need to get donkey-punched, or maybe dipped in some tasty mustard gas.

                        The final point of the dirty hippie bastards is that this war that does not exist yet is over oil. To which I reply “prepare to receive the gift of cranial ventilation.” Anybody stupid enough to forget that the US had the oil fields of Iraq twelve years ago, and kindly gave them back, deserves to have a lead brain implant. See, there was this whole “gulf war,” and the ol’ US of A came in and blew up some towelheads and then the towelheads ran away and blew up some Kuwaiti oil wells and then kept on running till they got to their own oil wells and then died. And then the US of A said “It’s okay towelheads! We were just playing! You can keep your stinking oil, just stay in our own yard, okay? Play nice now!” If the US wanted the oil fields, they could have been had the first time around, without much fuss. Who was gonna say we couldn’t have them? The UN? Please. Mr. Bushnandez senior let the oil fields go. Sure we need oil, and sure its not all that great that Mr. Hussein, who I like to call Saddy, has a whole bunch of it, but he is exporting it, and no matter what we do, the oil will cost the same amount because the oil price will be set by OPEC.

 The obvious solution is to not use oil at all, so that we don’t have to care who kills and oppresses who in the Middle East. So remember, driving your SUV is a crime against humanity, just like supporting your local drug dealer, and is punishable by being forced to listen to smelly sixty-year-old braless college professors (not all of whom are female) shouting “No blood for oil!” for twenty years to life. You should buy one of those electric cars that don’t pollute anything and go 20 miles an hour and are so environmentally friendly, what with their 2000 pounds of non-biodegradable plastic (made with petroleum, a.k.a. oil) and their 400 pounds of batteries (made with mercury, which as we all know helps trees grow) and their rubber tires (made with, once again, oil) and their electricity made by burning natural gas (from the Middle East) or by burning oil (from guess where) and never ever ever made by nuclear power, because that leaves tons of nuclear waste every year that we have to bury, as opposed to millions of tons of soot and toxic gasses and dust spewed directly into the atmosphere for your breathing pleasure. Wow, that was a long sentence.

                        Now then, hippies, what have you to say for yourselves? Oh, I see, you weren’t listening. I thought not, because that’s what whiny liberal ignorant moralizing peaceniks do when they are getting information that they don’t like. They scream louder so they can’t hear it. Well, hippies, if this war does happen, and I sincerely hope it doesn’t, in fact I hope that good ol’ Saddy croaks in his sleep and Iraq undergoes a bloodless coup and gets a truly democratic government, but if it does happen, hippies, I dare you to do what you did during Vietnam. I dare you to throw human feces at the soldiers coming home from doing their involuntary duty, risking their lives while you sat down and read your hippy books and grew your hippy hair and smoked your hippy pot and smelled your hippy flowers, I dare you to call them cowards when they were the ones dodging bullets to defend the people of South Vietnam from invasion, and you were the ones dodging the draft board. I dare you to insult a single one of them while I’m within earshot, because I will show you what its like to dodge bullets.

                        So now, hippies, good luck with your protesting. It is, after all, your right as an American. Just remember that the people you are protesting for, the Iraqi civilians, can’t protest back. Saddy doesn’t like that. I’ll let you get back to wasting time now, you hypocritical ignorant peace protesting yokels.


(This message sponsored by the Association to Kill the Dirty Hippies in conjunction with the Common Sense Initiative. Please, save America, Kill a Hippie. All acronym-type uses of the word ‘hippy’ are intentional, and the two spellings of hippie/hippy are both valid, as stated by Webster’s Imaginary Dictionary. Bad grammar used within this piece is intentional, and is used to set tone, so please, please, please, please don’t email me with corrections or any of that crap. © 2003 me.)