I know some of you may be a little sick of my irrational hatred for your beloved wizard in training, but I feel the need to vent, yet again, in the midst of the Potter-mania that now infects our fair nation. Every time I see a picture of that Rowling idiot, I want to punch somebody's grandmother. How can it be that some mediocre writer has made millions of dollars of off CHILDREN'S books. Children don't have that kind of money...
I've already discussed the horrible effects of this virulent form of adult/child literature in previous sessions of stupidity, so I'll gloss over all of those points very quickly, to bring those of you who haven't been reading this very un-children's website as thoroughly as you should be.
ADULT'S SHOULDN'T READ CHILDREN'S BOOKS, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.
That being said, if you're going to read a child's book, at least steal it. Don't go out and pay for the damn thing. Don't encourage this idiocy. For the love of God, or a reasonable facsimile, don't pay that woman for lowering the collective standards of our society. Those standards are low enough as it is.
Now for those few of you who still don't understand, and insist on reading of the no doubt amusing antics of Mr. Harold U. Potter, I have some reading suggestions to get you up to speed with the rest of your generation.
Reading selection #1: Everyone Poops (12.95, Amazon.com) This extraordinary piece pushes the envelope of modern bodily science research. The long-standing mystery of just who exactly it is that poops is explored and, ultimiately, solved. As a favor to our readers, we will not go into detail (we wouldn't want to spoil the surprise ending), but suffice it to say this work is shocking, and the final plot twists make it a real page-turner.
Reading selection #2: My First Bike (10.99, Barnesandnoble.com) A very sophisticated novel, My First Bike is the story of a young individual of indeterminate species as he goes through the confusing, and indeed life-changing ordeal of acquiring his first bicycle. Illustrated by a four year old quadriplegic, the stunning artwork is a welcome accompaniment to the stark subject matter. The author weaves a beautiful tapestry that sweeps one along the magical adventure and harrowing danger of bicycling with four wheels. While, at ten pages, it is a little dense, you will find that by the third page, the paragraphs simply fly by as you disappear into the story.
Reading selection #3: The Scam Handbook (9.95, Barnesandnoble.com) For the enterprising con man or woman, such as the venerable J.K. Rowling, this book gives insight into the art of screwing morons out of money. While the subject of selling children's books to adults is not covered, less despicable acts, such as credit card cloning and street corner three-card-monte, are. If you want to be like your favorite author, this is a must-have.
Reading selection #4: Garfield (Free, The Damn Newspaper) Only for the most hard core readers, Garfield takes an out-of-the-box look at every day issues and gives rise to many philosophical questions as one analyzes the truly insightful bits of wisdom embedded in the almost-daily jewel of the civilized world. Poopy kaka wizz burp.
That should keep all of you busy for some time. When you've read all of these books, you should be several times smarter than you were when you started. Write me a book report on each item, and you will receive a reward.
As a faithful fan of this site, you also get a warning: I have wired two hundred copies of the new Harry Pooter book with hand grenades that I have hidden in hollowed out pages. Have fun!
Anonymous J. Pseudonym