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I like animal testing, because it’s good. Why is it good, you ask? Well, if you have to ask that, you are a moron. The fact that somebody has a problem with something like animal testing indicates that the average intelligence of America is sinking dangerously low. I’m talking euthanasia-time low. “Oh Anonymous, don’t you understand? Animals feel pain too!” Fuck you, assholes.

            Spurring the anti-animal-testing movement were the horror stories about itty-bitty bunny wabbits having their eyelids razored off and sprayed with hairspray. Now, friends, what sense does this make? Who the hell thinks that scientists are such sadistic assholes as to remove the fleshy eye coverings of small mammals just to spray shit in their eyes? I would, if I was one of the fellows in the lab coats, but I’m not. Don’t be retards. The scientists don’t razor off bunny wabbit eyelids. They use hot scalpels, so the eyes don’t bleed. Dumbass.

            The point is this: the organisms in question are animals. These are things we eat, that eat each other, that will eat their own shit, fuck their parents, and sleep soundly at night, only to be eaten by something else in the morning. Obviously, not the creatures most deserving of our sympathies. If longhair ultra-sympathetic freaks have nothing better to do than worry about small mammals living happy lives that are terminated abruptly in odd ways, then they should be sent to somewhere else. A nice happy place, full of nice happiness and eternal bliss. We could send them to work in a meat packing plant, or maybe tie small animals and packets of soy sauce and ketchup to them and airdrop them into Ethiopia. See how much they bitch about bunny wabbits then. Queer fuckers.

            Whenever I see a product that says ‘Not tested on animals,’ it pisses me off. Why does such a nice thing as non-animal-testitude make me angry? If they didn’t test it on animals, what the fuck DID they test it on? Babies? I doubt any adults would consent to having potentially deadly, baldness-inducing, or erectile-dysfunction-related chemicals poured on their unsuspecting tissues in the interest of science and profit. The only plausible answer is that the bathroom product companies test their deadly brews of conditioner with softening agents on defenseless babies. Those bastards…

            If there was no animal testing, all we would be able to use for personal hygiene products is that natural crap. No hairspray, no styling gel, no underarm deodorant, no toothpaste, no mouthwash, no jock itch treatment, no vaginal cheese creams, nothing. That, my friends, is a world I would rather not live in. In order to avoid vaginal cheese, I would gladly condone the slaughter of seven million saucer-eyed baby cows named ‘Precious.’ Actually, I’d gladly condone their slaughter simply because they are named ‘Precious.’ The destruction of the evil slit cheese is a bonus.

            So, friends, if you like smelly armpits and crotch fungus, then continue rallying for ‘cruelty-free’ products tested on helpless little babies who are no doubt kidnapped and raped. However, if you are a red-blooded American, opposed to the stinky French and all their odor, and against the kidnap and rape of babies, join me in my cry for ‘Cruelty-Full’ products!