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friends and neighbors, looks like I am a complete moron. I somehow managed to
delete the entire contents of the old DailySpew!
(Yeah, that link there, that means I found it again...which means the rest of
this paragraph is a lie.) So we start anew, with one
update a year and all kinds of new opportunities for fun with Google and suicide
||Today's way out: Taco
Locate a carpeting
place, warehouse, whatever, and find a large roll of home carpeting. The
more expensive the better. Lay the entire roll out, and lay down on one end.
Grab the edge, and roll yourself up in the carpet. You'll die of
dehydration, and the chemicals gassing out of new carpet should keep you
preserved for a ridiculously long time. With you last conscious thought,
delight in the image of the faces of the wealthy sumbitches who find your
corpse rolling down their stairs while the carpet installers look on
(I know it's more of a 'Fajita Surprise,' but
that doesn't have the same ring...)
||In honor of the date,
every reader of this website has a homework assignment: the placement of
appreciable amounts of fecal matter into the Slurpee machine at your local
convenience store. (Photographic evidence is required for credit. Extra
credit for deceased animals or exotic fecal samples, i.e. corn, orangutan
Fun with Google!
||Children: Betcha can't
eat just one!
Every task you complete is one fewer reason
to wake up tomorrow.
||Today's way out:
You ever see those water towers
they have up on hills and whatnot? Yeah. Get some dynamite, plastic
explosive, homemade pipe bombs, whatever, and wrap the supports for one of
those things with it. For maximum proximal collateral damage, find a water
tower in a densely populated area. Put it on a timer or put a fuse or
whatever. Now, strap yourself to a surfboard, clad in your best beach gear.
Goggles are a necessity. Get in the top of the water tower somehow and blow
that motherfucker. Alternatively, in the same outfit, stand in the middle of
the street for the five minutes before 'high tide'. Now you'll know what
Noah felt like.
Surf's up, bitches.