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Okay, there used to be a funny
little intro here about some crap, I forget what all. But seriously, while I
never meant for this to be daily, I also didn't mean it to be annual. Turns out,
I don't have the dedication to do a daily or weekly kind of thing. Shit, I don't
have the dedication to eat a whole bag of chips. So, listen, I'm going to work
on this when I get to it. I'll add little things, but mostly I'll try to start
writing for the rest of the site first. The whole site is more for me than for
the whopping 20 people who have seen it anyway. In closing, up yours.
12/6/2004 (1500)
Today's way out: Ice sculpture
It's getting
chilly out there in most parts of the country. In the spirit of winter, freeze
yourself! Find a neighbor with a pool, or if you can, a small pond. Its best
if you find a place that will be visited by children more often than adults.
Sit down in this pool or pond, and get yourself unconscious somehow (I
recommend ether or something). You'll lay back, drown or freeze to death, and
kapow, you're a funsicle for some kids next spring! For extra kicks, do it
naked and write a suicide poem on your chest before you go.
7/18/2004 (2359)
We are sorry, but freedom is temporarily out
of order. Please try again later. We apologize for any inconvenience.
-Sincerely,
the Democratic and Republican National Conventions
6/14/2004 (2224)
The following things are bad ideas: coming home
drunk from work, changing all the passwords to AIM, VDECK, MySQL, and
voicemail, making an ass out of yourself with folks of the female persuasion
on the internet, and finally passing out in a pool of what could be either
vomit or spilled salsa and cheese.
Not that I
did those things.
But I want
to.
6/10/2004 (xxxx)
I saw this
sign today in a cafeteria: "Menutainment!" That is the sign of the day. But it
goes far beyond just the sign of the day. It enrages me. It hangs on chains
from the ceiling, spewing its message of notarealworditude. It is surrounded
by jovial legumes and ecstatic fruits. It is a sickeningly festive yellow,
with an equally sickening blue border that is equally festively curved, in
calculated randomness. I want to choke the life out of the happy smiley shit
who made that sign. I want to pull his brain out through his spine. I want to
light him on fire then put him out then light him on fire again. Then I want
to poke him with like a really sharp stick, right in the ass. Sweet, sweet
ass....
5/26/2004 (1548)
Fun with Google!
5/24/2004 (0001)
You ever do that thing where you wonder
if anybody will ever understand the real you? And then you realize that nobody
will, and you get really angry? Then you kill your dog and beat its body
against the walls of your room in a rage? And then you stalk from house to
house with a swiss army knife and a fork carving out peoples eyeballs as they
sleep and eating them with a light dressing and white zinfandel?
Oh....yeah. Me either...
5/23/2004 (1248)
We've had to start advertising to keep
the site up. Here's today's ad:
The Lottery:
A Great Way To Spend Your Welfare Check!
5/21/2004 (1111)
Today's profundity: Television taught me
how to live. That's why I'm killing you with Ginsu knives and a Nike ski mask.
5/20/2004 (9845)
Today's way out: Gandhi style! Find
yourself some out of the way place, and handcuff yourself to a stationary
object. (Make sure that you are somewhere nobody will find you for at least a
couple months.) Now, hang a sign around your neck reading "Hunger strike! Find
a cure for anorexia!" Emaciation ensues.
5/15/2004 (1111)
Remember:
you are an animal.
5/14/2004 (0159)
Animals taste good.
5/13/2004 (0101)
Eat
yourself.
3/13/2004 (0020)
AHEMM.org
ingredients: Sodium Cocoyl Isethionate, stearic acid, coconut acid, soidum
tallowate, sodium isethionate, water, love, sodium stearate, dried and
fermented camel feces, prunus amygdalus dulcis oil, blood of pregnant bat,
tetrasodium EDTA, salt.
CAUTION:
CONTAINS PHENYLALANINE
3/12/2004 (0001)
All I want
to do, is to thank you; you who let me change lanes while I was driving in my
car.
3/06/2004 (1500)
Today's
lesson: Never try anything. If you don't try, you can't fuck up.
2/22/2004 (0116)
Can't have
corn flakes without a whole lotta milka...
2/21/2004 (0001)
I didn't copy Maddox. He reverse copied
me. That bastard.
12/2/2003 (0930)
Fun With Google
12/1/2003 (0001)
Everybody
shits. Even Jesus. And He was a sandwich.
11/27/2003 (xxxx)
I
am
so
unoriginal.
(Notice how they're separate links...)
11/24/2003 (2324)
Higher
education is such bullshit.
11/22/2003 (2330)
Today's way out: Spray paint! Get a
sawed off shotgun, and go to the movies. You'll probably need a long coat. Sit
in the front row, wait until the movie is about half an hour in. Stand up,
face the crowd, put the gun in your mouth, and paint the screen. With a little
luck, you'll make the movie something worth watching.
11/18/2003 (1212)
Fun with Google!
11/9/2003 (2330)
Sometimes,
my middle name is animosity.
Other times, its Snuffles.
10/25/2003 (1304)
Phrase of
the day: Copyright Infringement
10/23/2003 (1204)
Today's
profundity: You only live once. Unless you're Hindu. Or Jesus.
10/22/2003 (1628)
Deep down
inside, we're all steak.
10/21/2003 (9999)
Pedophiles....helping kids get laid since 12000 B.C.
10/20/2003 (1313)
Sometimes,
I just like to sit and watch the world go by. Then the police come. Apparently
it's illegal to sit and watch the world go bye naked and painted blue in
public.
10/7/2003 (xxxx)
Fun with Google!
10/6/2003 (1640.)
Art never comes from happiness. Art is
the boils on a poisoned soul. Art oozes from the minds of the damned. Art is a
symptom of a broken world. This is art.
10/5/2003 (0030.)
Today's Random Sign: "If bill is
rejected, re-insert bill or use another bill" Poor bill...
9/17/2003 (2257)
Fun with Google!
9/11/2003 (In memory of...)
Today's Profundity: If Jesus had a car,
what color would it be?
Purple.
Just purple.
9/10/2003
Today's Way Out: Obtain several small
steel ball bearings. Swallow said bearings. Complain of symptoms of a disease
that requires and MRI to diagnose. Perforation ensues...
9/8/2003
Inspiration is like diarrhea. It comes
in large, hot gushes, and once it starts its hard to stop. Also, sometimes it
has lumps and pieces of corn in it.
8/8/2003
Once again I have only the rainbows to blame
for the lack of updates. Moving on...
Today's
Profundity: Beauty is only skin deep. For ugly chicks you need a knife to get
to the good stuff.
6/23/2003
I must apologize profusely for the lack of updates to the Daily Spew, and I
have only my newfound aversion to rainbows and rainbow-related phenomena to
blame. I suggest you adopt a similar aversion. So, in the spirit of anti-rainbowdom....Today's
Way Out: Procure a shotgun, find the nearest Gay Pride parade, and start
shooting. The police will take care of the rest.
6/17/2003
The
Holocaust always makes me horny.
6/16/2003
Today's way out: Be a suicide bomber! Procure
20 ounces of nitroglycerine, place it carefully into a soda bottle, and find
your way to a public place. Ingest said nitroglycerine, and begin to pick
fights with the largest people you can find. Hilarity ensues.
6/15/2003
The
function of society is to remove all outstanding characteristics of
individuals by making them remarkable, and reacting constantly, eroding
everybody to conformity. We can't be unique.
6/13/2003
If you
love something, kick it in the face. If it comes back to you, it's pretty
fucking stupid. If it doesn't, chase it down and kick it again.
6/12/2003
Today, I didn't do anything. It was the greatest day of my life.
6/10/2003
Today's
fortune cookie: Not every puzzle can be solved.
How
fucking Zen is that?
6/9/2003
I
epiphanied in my pants.
6/8/2003
Today's
way out: Take out some innocent bystanders! Get in your car and pretend that
the world is a real life GTA game! You'll find out just how realistic those
blood spatters are...
6/2/2003
Are you any
happier than your grandparents were at your age? Does all the beeping flashing
blinking burning shit you own make you more of a human, more civilized, or
more at ease with your place in the universe? I don't think so. Take all the
shit you own and burn it. Break it. Dispose of it. Throw it into the ocean.
That way you can kill some of those everfucking whales while you're at it.
Then go live in the woods eating bark and animal assholes. This is the way
every other organism on the planet does it. If you can't hack it, you don't
deserve to be here. Kill yourself.
6/1/2003
Laurynn3535
(10:46:09 PM):
lurch...u are an incredibly
fashionable young man with a keen eye for color and a penchant for
flair....your taste in scarves is impeccable and i would die for your shoe
collection...you give new meaning to the phrase "haute couture" and you defy
expectation every time you step out the door. when you walk by people
instinctively do a double take because they can't help but disbelieve their
eyes. could a human being this beautiful and this stylish be real? we may
never know the answers to these pressing questions. for inside pheel's
treasure chest of derangement is a mind with the secrets of the universe
locked away, while the key was used as an anal probing device and never again
seen. but 3morrow is a new day, and we can only hope that it brings us just
one step closer to the mystery that is pheel.
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